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A momentary lapse of reason
A young monk arrives at the monastery and is assigned to help copy the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. The new monk mentions this to his superior that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would have been continued in all of the subsequent copies. "We have been copying from the copies for centuries," the head monk says, "but you make a good point." With that, the head monk goes down into the ancient vaults to check the originals. After many hours, he still hasn't returned, so the new monk goes to look for him. Following a sobbing noise, the monk finds his superior leaning over one of the original tomes, crying. "What's wrong?" the monk asks. "The word is celebrate," the old monk sobs.
MICHAEL JACKSON JOKES Q: Why did Michael Jackson contact Boys II Men? A: He thought they were a delivery service.
Q: How do you know it's bedtime in Michael Jackson's house? A: It's when the big hand touches the small hand.
Q: Why did Michael Jackson start shopping at Kmart? A: He heard boys' pants were half off.
Q: What did the lady on the beach say to Michael Jackson? A: "Get out of my son!"
TOP 10 REASONS... TOP 10 REASONS A COMPUTER MUST BE MALE: 1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 2. A better model is always just around the corner. 3. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home. 4. It is always necessary to have a back up. 5. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons. 6. The best part of having one is the games you can play. 7. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 8. The lights are on but no one is home. 9. Big power surges knock them out for the night. 10. Size does matter.
Gender Assignment...
What do "WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds code words mean? 40-ish...................48 Adventurer...............Has had more partners than you ever will Affectionate.............Possessive Artist...................Unreliable Beautiful................Pathological liar Commitment-minded........Pick out curtains, now! Communication-important..Just try to get a word in edgewise Contagious Smile.........Bring your penicillin Educated.................College dropout Emotionally Secure.......Medicated Employed.................Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home Enjoys art and opera.....Snob Enjoys Nature............Bring your own granola Feminist.................A Ball buster Financially Secure.......One paycheck from the street Free spirit..............Substance abuser Friendship first ........Trying to live down reputation as slut Fun......................Annoying Gentle...................Comatose Good Listener............Hard to pull a word from her Humorous.................Caustic Intuitive................Your opinion doesn't count In Transition............Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills Light drinker............Lush Looks younger............If viewed from far away in bad light Loves Travel.............If you're paying Loves Animals............Cat lady New-Age..................All body hair, all the time Non-traditional..........Ex-husband lives in the basement Old-fashioned............Lights out, missionary position only Open-minded..............Desperate Outgoing.................Loud Professional.............Bitchy Reliable.................Frumpy Romantic.................Looks better by candle light Self-employed............Jobless Special..................Rode the small school bus w/ tinted windows Spiritual................Involved with a cult Stable...................Boring Tan......................Wrinkled Wants Soul mate...........One step away from stalking Widow....................Nagged first husband to death Redhead..................Used Clairol
COURT SAYINGS
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:
Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at? ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August eighth? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: ==================================================== She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AUSTRALIAN. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT. She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER. She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR. She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: ==================================================== He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION. He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENT.
100 ZANY WAYS TO PHONE IN A PIZZA ORDER
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. 3. Use CB lingo where applicable. 4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. 5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation." 6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder. 7. Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up. 8. Answer their questions with questions. 9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful. 10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE. 11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time. 12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD. 13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out. 14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread." 15. Stutter on the letter "p." 16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!) 17. Ask what the order taker is wearing. 18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver. 19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you. 20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented. 21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up. 22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings. 23. Change your accent every three seconds. 24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper. 25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?" 26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't." 27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window." 28. Rent a pizza. 29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener. 30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief. 31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound. 32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred." 33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?" 34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs. 35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead. 36. Imitate the order taker's voice. 37. Eliminate verbs from your speech. 38. When they say, "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now." 39. Play a sitar in the background. 40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her. 41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music. 42. Ask to see a menu. 43. Quote Carl Sandberg. 44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back. 45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza. 46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay. 47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed. 48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza. 49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!" 50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?" 51. Psychoanalyze the order taker. 52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again. 53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting." 54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza. 55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it. 56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired. 57. Report a petty theft to the order taker. 58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town." 59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time. 60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words." 61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs. 62. Try to talk while drinking something. 63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!" 64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown. 65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair. 66. Be vague in your order. 67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time." 68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order. 69. After ordering, say, "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff. 70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry." 71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get. 72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza. 73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that. 74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage. 75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza. 76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it. 77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade. 78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer. 79. Put them on hold. 80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders. 81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say, "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'." 82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond. 83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?" 84. When you’re given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math." 85. Haggle. 86. Order a one-inch pizza. 87. Order term life insurance. 88. When they say "Will that be all?” snicker and say, "We'll find out, won't we?" 89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable. 90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza. 91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say, "Please don't mention that word." 94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired. 95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you. 96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots. 97. Order a steamed pizza. 98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up. 99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
FOR MEN How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me . . ." How do you fix a woman's watch? Don’t bother; there’s a clock on the oven. Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at you through the front door, whom do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is called Wedding Cake. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering. Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son." A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine!!" The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a baldhead and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
A WOMAN'S 50 RULES FOR MEN
1. Call. 2. Don't lie. 3. Never tape any of her body parts together. 4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls. 5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting. 6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes." 7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?" 8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad. 9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad. 10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad. 11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag", "Lardass", and "Bitch" are bad. 12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony. 13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question. 14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed. 15. Her cooking is excellent. 16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking. 17. Dish soap is your friend. 18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean. 19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay. 20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation. 21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?" 22. Two words: clean socks. 23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk. 24. Burping is not sexy. 25. You're wrong. 26. You're sorry. 27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is. 28. Ditto for your discourse on football. 29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound. 30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad. 31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood. 32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist. 33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice. 34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue. 35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm. 36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive. 37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it. 38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you. 39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't. 40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often. 41. Always, always suck up to her brother. 42. Think boxers. 43. Silk boxers. 44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names. 45. Don't try to change the way she dresses. 46. Her haircut is never bad. 47. Don't let your friends pick on her. (please note that the following two have been mentioned not once, but twice) 48. Call. 49. Don't lie. 50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything out
MEN'S 44 RULES FOR WOMEN
1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done. 2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red. 3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall. 4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt. 5. Shopping is not fascinating. 6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking. 7. Unless the answer is yes. 8. In which case, can he videotape it? 9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes. 10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill. 11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny. 12. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada. 13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time. 14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it. 15. He heard you the first time. 16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little. 17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to. [ed:to which you want the answer!] 18. Of COURSE he wants another beer. 19. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot. 20. Dogs good. Cats bad. 21. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. 22. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through "Showgirls". 23. "Fine." is not an acceptible way to end an argument. 24. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions. 25. He was not looking at that other girl. 26. Well, okay... maybe a little. 27. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy... 28. There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "cunt". 29. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. 30. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones. 31. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking. 32. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm. 33. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him. 34. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower. 35. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it. 36. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner. 37. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with. 38. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all. 39. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute. 40. Don't hog the covers. 41. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that... 42. He does not just want to be friends. 43. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: "You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?" 44. Just because this list doesn't have as many entries as yours doesn't mean it's worse.
MURPHY'S SEX LAWS 1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. 2.Nothing improves with age. 3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again. 4.Sex has no calories. 5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. 6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex. 7.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. 8.No sex with anyone in the same office. 9.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. 10.A man in the house is worth two in the street. 11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. 12.Virginity can be cured. 13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. 14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. 16.Sex is dirty only if it's done right. 17.It is always the wrong time of month. 18.The best way to hold a man is in your arms. 19.When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. 20.Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. 21.Sow your wild oats on Saturday night - Then on Sunday pray for crop failure. 22.The younger the better. 23.The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. 24.It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. 25.Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. 26.Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. 27.There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. 28.Love your neighbor, but don't get caught. 29.Love is a hole in the heart. 30.If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. 31.Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. 32.Do it only with the best. 33.Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. 34.One good turn gets most of the blankets. 35.You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. 36.Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 37.It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. 38.Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood. 39.Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. 40.Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. 41.Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested. 42.A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't. 43.What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. 44.It is better to be looked over than overlooked. 45.Never say no. 46.A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. 47.Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps. 48.Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. 49.Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog. 50.A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. 51.Love comes in spurts. 52.The world does not revolve on an axis. 53.Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. 54.Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. 55.Don't do it if you can't keep it up. 56.There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. 57.Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. 58.Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. 59."This won't hurt, I promise."
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updated on Sunday April 30, 2006